it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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