There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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