I'm going to jail i love you
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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