it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
