You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
