It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
