you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
