remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
