i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
