HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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