so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
