We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
