I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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