just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
