Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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