Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
