oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize