there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize