nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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