M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
