I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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