Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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