i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
