You made me cry and you don't even care
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
