This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
