apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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