I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
