i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
