i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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