I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
