you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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