The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
