im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
