a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
