okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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