I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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