I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
