You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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