ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
