At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
