Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
