i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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