the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
