Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
