I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
