Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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