my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
