I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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