I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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