I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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