u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
