I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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