Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
