my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize