what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
My vagina just clenched in fear
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
