did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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