i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
