I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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