If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
sarcasm needs its own font
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
