This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
