oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
