i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
