dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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