It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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