that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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