At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
