i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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